Take a Seat Next to Me; Let’s Talk About Comparison
Looking from a different lens
I don’t like being told what to do. I bet you don’t too. It’s like how we want to wash plates until someone instructs us to do so and then the interest disappears. And you know what’s worst? Those people who think comparing you with others is the magic wand to action. It’s almost like a TV commercial where the announcer says, “when all things fail, try comparison”.
I hate comparison. We all do!
It’s almost as if it’s inherent in us. We are all guilty of it. We’ve all had our fair share of it. We’ve sat at both sides of the comparison table — either as receivers or givers. I see it everywhere I go. It is omnipresent. Sometimes loud, other times subtle; but I hear it echo in different gatherings and occasions.
Taking a Step Back
I just got back from church service today. It was pretty awesome. We thanked God for our lives and that of our families. And again, I heard comparison. This time, we were thanking God for good health while comparing ourselves to those who were sick. After church service came to an end, I took a quiet stroll back home with my sister. We called a relative to check up on her and at the end of the call, she gave us some words of encouragement and again, comparison whispered at the end of it. It sounded like this, “Nne, you’re doing well. Think about your mates and how you’re both doing better than them”.
Suddenly, it dawned on me that these voices of comparison are existential. I probably haven’t taken so much notice of them. It’s been there since we were kids. I recall failing my class tests in primary school and not feeling bad about them because the smartest person in my class got fairly the same score as myself. And after our exam results were out, my parents would ask if the person who came first position in my class had two heads.
It didn’t stop there. We grew older and family relatives started to show us an update sheet of all our mates who were getting married. Even at family meetings now, we are still asked questions like “How come Nneka, whom you left for Lagos with has achieved so much and you have very little to show?”
Sigh! Does the comparison ever stop? You ask. Honestly, I don’t think so.
But what I do know is that all of these practices are negative and destructive comparisons.
I see you agreed almost immediately. But now you seem confused. You’re probably saying to yourself; Isn’t the entire concept of comparison negative? 🤷🏾♀️
Well, not all comparisons are negative, some of them induce self introspection which is actually good. But first, we have to unlearn this type of negative comparison and lean towards the healthy and positive one instead. One that isn’t geared towards strife, spite or jealousy. When we do it right, positive comparison is actually a good one that fosters reflection and consequently self development.
Embracing a Fresh Angle
First and foremost, a lot of things need to be corrected from the negative comparison that has been ingrained in us.
- Ask yourself this. Where is this comparison coming from? Is it from a place of trying to make yourself feel better than others? A place of trying to make others feel horrible about themselves? If it’s any or all of these, it wouldn’t yield a positive result at all. The emotions of both the receiver and giver needs to be put in check otherwise the goal of the entire process will be defeated. When we look carefully, there are new positive habits that can be learnt.
- The tonality of the giver needs to be thoroughly examined. If it isn’t coming from a place of toxicity, it will be more empathetic rather than disrespectful and spiteful. If you’re genuinely interested in the growth of the other party and getting the person to understand the point you’re driving at, then negative comparison will totally be out of the conversation.
- The best way to truly and happily measure growth isn’t by measuring your journey with that of others — that’s really not healthy. Compare your growth with your past and your present self. You are in a competition with yourself and yourself alone.
I know this may take a lot of time to digest, particularly because this perspective isn’t one we readily hear often. So, take some time off this week to carefully evaluate good characters you like. Try to carefully deconstruct what makes them better salesmen, designers or whatever thing you’re looking out for. Compare it with your own approach. Are there things you can learn from them? Or new strategies you can copy. Let me know what you got out of this exercise.
A very big thank you to my amazing friends Faruq and Feranmi, for proofreading and editing this write-up.
